Art
The artist should be a seeing-eye dog for a myopic civilization. - Jacob Getlar Smith
The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats *and* dogs! - Sonjay Anand
I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world. - Samuel Johnson
Bites & Battles
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news. - John B. Bogart (also attributed to Charles Anderson Dana)
Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war.
William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar", Act 3 scene 1I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
"For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across--which happened to be the Earth -- where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidently swallowed by a small dog" - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
So what are you going to do? Release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you? -Homer Simpson
Dog Philosophy
Property Laws: If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. If it's broken, it's yours. - Katie Santo
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog--keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog, mebbe. - Edward Noyes Westcott
My empty water dish mocks me. - Bob the Dog
Education & Knowledge
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. - Robertson Davies
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is not barking dog, to be tethered on a ten-foot chain. - Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.
A traveler must have the back of an ass to bear all, a tongue like the tail of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eat what is set before him, the ear of a merchant to hear all and say nothing. - Thomas Nashe
Employment & Careers
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Charles M. Schulz, (Snoopy)
When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs. - German proverb
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton
Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirrels in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labor, and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top. - Robert Burton
As for the pyramids, there is nothing to wonder at in them so much as the fact that so many men could be found degraded enough to spend their lives constructing a tomb for some ambitious booby, whom it would have been wiser and manlier to have drowned in the Nile, and then given his body to the dogs. - Henry David Thoreau
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
General Humor
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. - Anonymous
You can't run with the big dogs if you pee like a puppy. - Anonymous
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
Life.....is a series of dogs. - George Carlin
Be back later...my dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office. - Unknown
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? - Nick Featherman
Well, Woody, It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear. - Norm, "Cheers"
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. - Peter Steiner
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. - Andrew A. Rooney
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach a stupid dog old tricks either. - Unknown
Money & Finance
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
You can buy a pretty good dog with a lot of money, but you can't buy the wag of its tail. - Josh Billings
A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog. - Jack London
Politics & Government
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers (also attributed to Wynn Catlin)
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee
In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite. - Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. - P. J. O'Rourke
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
Relationships - Human
Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. - Bette-Jane Raphael
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it. - Alan Holbrook
Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it. -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long
Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am. - Unknown
The more I know about people, the better I like my dog. -- Mark Twain
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog... and I don't even have a dog. Jarvis Black
There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. -- Benjamin Franklin
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney
A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. - Samuel Johnson
Flattery looks like friendship, just like a wolf looks like a dog. - Unknown
I'd rather have a dog over a guy because the worst a dog can do is piss in your shoe. - Unknown
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. -- Moliere
Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog. - Unknown
Relationships - Dogs
There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog. - Anonymous
It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it? - Eleanor H. Porter, Pollyanna
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. - Elizabeth Taylor
I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better. -- George Bird Evans
I'm a mog: Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend - Barf, Spaceballs
Religion & Beliefs
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber
Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. - Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
My Karma ran over your dogma. - Unknown
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
Miscellaneous
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Sir Winston Churchill
DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
How many legs does a dog have if you count his tail as a leg? Four. You can call a tail a leg if you want to, but that doesn't make it a leg. - Abraham Lincoln
Never pet a burning dog. - Kurt Risch
In parting I would just like to say... Never pet a flaming dog... - Lewis Laughlin
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. - Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)
Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog. - Josh Billings
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