Dog Quotes


The artist should be a seeing-eye dog for a myopic civilization. - Jacob Getlar Smith

The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats *and* dogs! - Sonjay Anand

I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world. - Samuel Johnson

Bites & Battles

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news. - John B. Bogart (also attributed to Charles Anderson Dana)

Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war.
William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar", Act 3 scene 1

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg

"For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across--which happened to be the Earth -- where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidently swallowed by a small dog" - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

So what are you going to do? Release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you? -Homer Simpson

Dog Philosophy

Property Laws: If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. If it's broken, it's yours. - Katie Santo

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry 

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog--keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog, mebbe. - Edward Noyes Westcott

My empty water dish mocks me. - Bob the Dog

Education & Knowledge

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. - Robertson Davies

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is not barking dog, to be tethered on a ten-foot chain. - Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

A traveler must have the back of an ass to bear all, a tongue like the tail of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eat what is set before him, the ear of a merchant to hear all and say nothing. - Thomas Nashe

Employment & Careers

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Charles M. Schulz, (Snoopy)

When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs. - German proverb

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton

Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirrels in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labor, and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top. - Robert Burton

As for the pyramids, there is nothing to wonder at in them so much as the fact that so many men could be found degraded enough to spend their lives constructing a tomb for some ambitious booby, whom it would have been wiser and manlier to have drowned in the Nile, and then given his body to the dogs. - Henry David Thoreau

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

General Humor

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. - Anonymous

You can't run with the big dogs if you pee like a puppy. - Anonymous

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx a series of dogs. - George Carlin

Be back dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office. - Unknown

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? - Nick Featherman

Well, Woody, It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear. - Norm, "Cheers"

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. - Peter Steiner

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. - Andrew A. Rooney

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach a stupid dog old tricks either. - Unknown

Money & Finance

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

You can buy a pretty good dog with a lot of money, but you can't buy the wag of its tail. - Josh Billings

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog. - Jack London

Politics & Government

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers (also attributed to Wynn Catlin)

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee

In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite. - Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. - P. J. O'Rourke

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

Relationships - Human

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. - Bette-Jane Raphael

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it. - Alan Holbrook

Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it. -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am. - Unknown

The more I know about people, the better I like my dog. -- Mark Twain

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog... and I don't even have a dog. Jarvis Black

There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. -- Benjamin Franklin

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney

A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. - Samuel Johnson

Flattery looks like friendship, just like a wolf looks like a dog. - Unknown

I'd rather have a dog over a guy because the worst a dog can do is piss in your shoe. - Unknown

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. -- Moliere

Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog. - Unknown

Relationships - Dogs

There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog. - Anonymous

It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it? - Eleanor H. Porter, Pollyanna

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. - Elizabeth Taylor

I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better. -- George Bird Evans

I'm a mog: Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend - Barf, Spaceballs

Religion & Beliefs

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber

Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. - Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

My Karma ran over your dogma. - Unknown

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain


I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Sir Winston Churchill

DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

How many legs does a dog have if you count his tail as a leg? Four. You can call a tail a leg if you want to, but that doesn't make it a leg. - Abraham Lincoln

Never pet a burning dog. - Kurt Risch

In parting I would just like to say... Never pet a flaming dog... - Lewis Laughlin

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. - Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)

Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog. - Josh Billings

Back to Humor Page...